50 shades of fucked up

When did it all become so much hassle? Wasn’t it supposed to be easy, natural? Never been the kind of person who feels the need to have friends and I hate that this environment is making me want that, like when I was at school and normally I would have been content to be alone all day, it’s normal for me to feel that way. Feel out cold when I’m with my friends, alone, awkward and depressed, when I go back to this house I feel the same way too, it’s persistent, never ending. Why haven’ things changed by now? I thought I would have moved on by now, still stuck in this trap it’s not good somehow. Everyday, I am reminded of what I did, it eats away at me, bit by bit. How could I ever do that to another person? The reality is I did. Damaged her beyond repair, made her feel so alone and scared. That poor girl, so innocent, so young, damaged beyond repair and I did that to another human being. When did I become devoid of emotion, guilt? These are the consequences of consciously ruining another person’s life. She was a teenager only starting life, after being disregarded a few times by someone who I like. I can see how my mind games fucker her up, badly harmed her relationships and her mental health, I should have left before I caused any more damage, but I made the decision not to. It should have been the happiest years of her life, I took those from her, how could I? When you are fucked up, your life becomes 50 shades of fucked up.

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