The way I get excited when I see your face on the television screen, or hear your name on the radio, it fills me with joy and elation. I always scream or at least on the inside because I am so excited to see your face! How can other people not feel this way about you, the way I do? It is so natural for me to just love you, perhaps it is beyond idolising, Most people don’t understand it, what the big deal is, they just think I’m crazy. It’s so funny because I think they are crazy for not seeing how great you are, everyone else thinks I’m the weird one, so strange to me, I just don’t get it. Being a crazy fangirl is awesome though, it is like seeing another world, which is better than the boring reality of mundane life. It is fun and entertaining, always amusing and time consuming to adore someone on such a high level.
I am so ashamed and feel really guilty, I cannot believe this happened again. You turned your back on me so I made the decision to stay away from you forever. Now all of a sudden you want to know what is going on in my life. I am sorry but it is too late for that now. I am too messed up and I am changed forever. No amount of praying to God makes the way I acted acceptable, absolutely without a doubt, I acted in a disgusting way, which makes me a bad person. I could try to seek redemption through believing in God, I believe it because I know it to be true. However, that doesn’t mean I can use my belief in God to justify the way I behaved, it was not right and never will be. I injured all of your friends, I caused them so much harm (1 in particular) I wish everyday, I had either just left the place or got taught at home but this wasn’t the case. I should have tried to make things right, but I was too much of a coward to do it, this should demonstrate to you what kind of nasty, evil person I am now. No longer the good little Christian girl i once was, and thought I could have been, I am different now. You have got it wrong, if you think I want to hurt you how I hurt other people, it will never be ok. I couldn’t brush it off and be like it’s fine, it’s not. It happens over and over again, I try my hardest to not do it but no matter what it always occurs, I just I can’t be that person, I mean I am, but I cannot do it to you, it’s just too much, and I can’t………. I hope you can understand.
A letter from a regretful person
Ensure that every time he tries to talk to you, you completely disregard him so he thinks you are a stuck up bitch. Don’t demonstrate any remorse or apologise for your behaviour towards them. They then avoid you like you have the plague for months, but show no signs of noticing hem so he aminosity continues onwards.
Too scared I was today to go to class, I was worried everyone would look at me when I walk in the room and see me sitting all alone, what a weirdo. All year everyday I have been in tears everyday trying to see things how I used to. I don’t even understand what happened, before it always was fine. Too long I spent away from here and now an irrational fear has taken place of my normally rational mind. Everybody here hates me, yet here I sit alone, silent, upset and hurt, it is hard to get through the door. I can’t really anymore so I decided it’s easier to stay away from here, this is not normal, I don’t really want to feel this way, yet I do. It is hard to understand why I felt this way, trust me I really don’t want to.
Ha gently licked my vagina up and down. Then he rolled his finger over it getting harder and harder until I gasped out in pleasure.
Day after day I lie to my friends right to their faces, I don’t even have to make anything up, luckily they show no interest in my daily life routine, thank goodness! That still doesn’t change the fact it’s not reality. It’s reality that doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel normal this way of life, it doesn’t feel me and I don’t know who I am becoming anymore. I don’t want to be the grumpy faced dog that does nothing with her life, that sits there like a sloth, achieving nothing all the time. I don’t want to be the person with the get up and go, the one show always enthusiastic even in French lessons. Come on, I mean “Hello?!!” I don’t want to be the eager beaver, always answering every question, with my hand in the air, like school is the Bafta’s when it’s just lame. I want to be the person I used to be, enjoying school, with my nice little clique of friends to talk to. The reality is I sit there in silence, alone, miserable and afraid it is going to continue. I think this so much, that it does continue, day after day, month after month, until I’ve finally opened my eyes and it has been nine whole months. What have I even been doing this past year? I should have been having fun with my friends, enjoying history lessons, not just sat there, waiting for anything to happen. I cannot believe things have stooped this low, to the point where I’m not even enjoying history anymore. I go to sleep every night wishing that my dreams were reality, and that my reality is a dream, this is no way to live your life. Wake up, wake up!!!! What is wrong with you? I’m 50 shades of fucked up.
When did it all become so much hassle? Wasn’t it supposed to be easy, natural? Never been the kind of person who feels the need to have friends and I hate that this environment is making me want that, like when I was at school and normally I would have been content to be alone all day, it’s normal for me to feel that way. Feel out cold when I’m with my friends, alone, awkward and depressed, when I go back to this house I feel the same way too, it’s persistent, never ending. Why haven’ things changed by now? I thought I would have moved on by now, still stuck in this trap it’s not good somehow. Everyday, I am reminded of what I did, it eats away at me, bit by bit. How could I ever do that to another person? The reality is I did. Damaged her beyond repair, made her feel so alone and scared. That poor girl, so innocent, so young, damaged beyond repair and I did that to another human being. When did I become devoid of emotion, guilt? These are the consequences of consciously ruining another person’s life. She was a teenager only starting life, after being disregarded a few times by someone who I like. I can see how my mind games fucker her up, badly harmed her relationships and her mental health, I should have left before I caused any more damage, but I made the decision not to. It should have been the happiest years of her life, I took those from her, how could I? When you are fucked up, your life becomes 50 shades of fucked up.