I’m looking around on the bus home. I try to remember to forget you. I can’t. I recall your laugh, the way you light up the room. The sense of regret overwhelms me. I swallow it, I carry on listening to Britney.
I look on my ex friends Facebook pages. See how they all have been in relationships, had healthy friendships, been in live before. Learnt how to drive. I realise all the normal stuff my talking phobia stopped me from having in my youth……….. I feel the pain of this destroy me. I delete my Facebook account.
I sit here years later, in this coffee shop. Staring out the window contemplating how you are the one for me. Even though the silence stopped me from getting to know you. It burns my heart that you won’t ever comprehend how much I am completely in love with you. I feel the despair consume me… I turn the page of my book, I keep on reading.
The silence overwhelms my entire soul. My head is dizzy, my soul is split my spirit is destroyed. Tears stream down my face, the despair burns my soul. I lock myself away, the silence continues to hurt.
I’m looking around the room, in this last ever PE Lesson. I’m wondering, in two years I have not spoken to anyone ever in this clas. I realise how much that hurts. I feel the pain cut through me, I let it wash all over me until it comes out in floods of tears for hours. I’ve waited so long for this pain to be over, thank goodness it nearly is.
I’ve realised how much it hurts . It hurts that I used to be able to talk to someone about any old thing. It’s like a punch in the stomach as I recall I used to be able to talk to people, interact like it was normal. Now I cudnt says single word to anyone ever. How much that has destroyed my school experience. Not that fact I’ve messed up my exams. No it’s the fact that in two years I have become so socially withdrawn I cannot say a word at all. I don’t even care that I’ve gone from being a good student to a crap one. I can’t help feeling as though I should have known this would happen.
I’m looking around in this last ever French lesson and I’m wondering; when was the last time I didn’t cry myself to sleep and woke up not wishing I was dead? When was the last time I spoke to someone, this inner silence within me has harboured into a deep resentment, which has deluded me into thinking everyone hates me. It’s turned into an anger I can’t conceal. I hate everyone. Everyone so easily talks and gets through the school day without severe anxiety. I can barely walk through a classroom without anxiety attacks. I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning and get onto the bus. Everyone else finds it so natural to talk I can’t open my mouth and say a word. The sad reality is I should have dropped out of school months ago. I obviously wasn’t willing to get help. How could I go from being a good student to a crumbling mess unable to get into school? Whatever the fuck has happened here has ruined my life. This sadness inside of me is like water I’ve been drowning in.