I’m looking around the room, in this last ever PE Lesson. I’m wondering, in two years I have not spoken to anyone ever in this clas. I realise how much that hurts. I feel the pain cut through me, I let it wash all over me until it comes out in floods of tears for hours. I’ve waited so long for this pain to be over, thank goodness it nearly is.
I’ve realised how much it hurts . It hurts that I used to be able to talk to someone about any old thing. It’s like a punch in the stomach as I recall I used to be able to talk to people, interact like it was normal. Now I cudnt says single word to anyone ever. How much that has destroyed my school experience. Not that fact I’ve messed up my exams. No it’s the fact that in two years I have become so socially withdrawn I cannot say a word at all. I don’t even care that I’ve gone from being a good student to a crap one. I can’t help feeling as though I should have known this would happen.
I’m looking around in this last ever French lesson and I’m wondering; when was the last time I didn’t cry myself to sleep and woke up not wishing I was dead? When was the last time I spoke to someone, this inner silence within me has harboured into a deep resentment, which has deluded me into thinking everyone hates me. It’s turned into an anger I can’t conceal. I hate everyone. Everyone so easily talks and gets through the school day without severe anxiety. I can barely walk through a classroom without anxiety attacks. I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning and get onto the bus. Everyone else finds it so natural to talk I can’t open my mouth and say a word. The sad reality is I should have dropped out of school months ago. I obviously wasn’t willing to get help. How could I go from being a good student to a crumbling mess unable to get into school? Whatever the fuck has happened here has ruined my life. This sadness inside of me is like water I’ve been drowning in.
In this French lesson, I have finally realised, I used to be able to get through one school day without spending all day crying! I used to be able to get through one week without skipping lessons! I used to be able to get to have a conversation with any of my peer group who approached me. I used want to be involved in group discussions (even though I never really liked that much). I could even nod my head at someone. So how did I go from things just being fine, to a crumbling mess. Where I can barely bring myself to get up in the morning, or get on the school bus. I couldn’t’ be put back together again.
I will never forget the day it was May 2011 I was sat in French, the class I hated the most. Ironically even though it was the only one I ever spoke in. I will never forget the train home from my dads house when I was weeping all day because I had to leave London and to face the idea of school on Monday was unbearable. By this point school meant nothing to me and I didn’t know why I didn’t have the guts to leave. It had been about eight months of misery. Complete silence which of course leads to complete social withdrawal and isolation. Why was I so afraid to talk to anyone? I wasn’t four years old! It was supposed to be my last year of school, ironically I always (falsely) assumed it would be great and would make me. But no, it destroyed me. Why didn’t I tell anyone I couldn’t speak. How unhappy it was? How afraid I was to walk in an RE or science lesson? A year; before the idea I would be so depressed when I would spend all day crying at home wishing I was dead or being in lessons and falling asleep most time, living in a fantasy world where things got better, which just didn’t happen, as well as the fact that I would end up barely attend school to me would have been appalling. From not being a bad student to a year later being predicted to fail all my GCSEs, and there I was not caring anymore. I was a crumbling mess at the thought of walking through the school gates. How did it get to the point where even the idea of seeing my friends wasn’t enough? I couldn’t understand my own behaviour. In my emotional immaturity it was everyone problem but mine. It’s my friends fault I can’t pick myself up, it’s my family’s problem that things are going wrong. I’m not seeing that it’s my own social anxiety has got to such an unhealthy level that I’m not functioning in a normal way. I’m not getting that most fifteen year old girls don’t spend all day crying at home wishing they didn’t believe in God so they could take those 60 tablets, to make the pain go away. It’s had become my horrible reality. The fact that I got 115 on my grade five piano and I didn’t even care, showed how far I had gone.
I’m looking around and seeing my friends be just fine, and I’m realising I used to be just like them. I’m thinking what the hell has happened here? I’m sat here in this French lesson and I’m hearing my behaviour is odd and abnormal. I’m next to my two best friends and I’m finally getting after eight months that this year has been the worst, it’s been a disaster, and yet even the thought of spending time with those (two) is not enough to get me out of this never ending hell I have locked myself into.