50 shades of fucked up 2#

Day after day I lie to my friends right to their faces, I don’t even have to make anything up, luckily they show no interest in my daily life routine, thank goodness! That still doesn’t change the fact it’s not reality. It’s reality that doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel normal this way of life, it doesn’t feel me and I don’t know who I am becoming anymore. I don’t want to be the grumpy faced dog that does nothing with her life, that sits there like a sloth, achieving nothing all the time. I don’t want to be the person with the get up and go, the one show always enthusiastic even in French lessons. Come on, I mean “Hello?!!” I don’t want to be the eager beaver, always answering every question, with my hand in the air, like school is the Bafta’s when it’s just lame. I want to be the person I used to be, enjoying school, with my nice little clique of friends to talk to. The reality is I sit there in silence, alone, miserable and afraid it is going to continue. I think this so much, that it does continue, day after day, month after month, until I’ve finally opened my eyes and it has been nine whole months. What have I even been doing this past year? I should have been having fun with my friends, enjoying history lessons, not just sat there, waiting for anything to happen. I cannot believe things have stooped this low, to the point where I’m not even enjoying history anymore. I go to sleep every night wishing that my dreams were reality, and that my reality is a dream, this is no way to live your life. Wake up, wake up!!!! What is wrong with you? I’m 50 shades of fucked up.

50 shades of fucked up

When did it all become so much hassle? Wasn’t it supposed to be easy, natural? Never been the kind of person who feels the need to have friends and I hate that this environment is making me want that, like when I was at school and normally I would have been content to be alone all day, it’s normal for me to feel that way. Feel out cold when I’m with my friends, alone, awkward and depressed, when I go back to this house I feel the same way too, it’s persistent, never ending. Why haven’ things changed by now? I thought I would have moved on by now, still stuck in this trap it’s not good somehow. Everyday, I am reminded of what I did, it eats away at me, bit by bit. How could I ever do that to another person? The reality is I did. Damaged her beyond repair, made her feel so alone and scared. That poor girl, so innocent, so young, damaged beyond repair and I did that to another human being. When did I become devoid of emotion, guilt? These are the consequences of consciously ruining another person’s life. She was a teenager only starting life, after being disregarded a few times by someone who I like. I can see how my mind games fucker her up, badly harmed her relationships and her mental health, I should have left before I caused any more damage, but I made the decision not to. It should have been the happiest years of her life, I took those from her, how could I? When you are fucked up, your life becomes 50 shades of fucked up.

All alone in the world (Part 1)

They told me these were supposed to be the best three years of your life. That everything would change for the better, your job prospects, your relationships, your whole life. Why didn’t people mention the pitfalls of this life? The feeling no one is noticing you, how alone you feel when you sleep at night. When you wake up in tears to see everyone has had a good time without you. It never ends, you wake up day after day and it’s the same situation, you regret coming here, if you knew it was going to be this way you wouldn’t have. Why did they not mention that when you walk in a room, everyone leaves, how upsetting and depressing that is? It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I have had seven and a half weeks away from this and as soon as I come back, I remember how i felt before, it swallows me up whole and I weep for a full ten minutes. I am not sure if I will make it through this semester but I need to try for at least four weeks. Why didn’t they mention to me that there is a chance you would feel this low? A painful reminder of the bad days faced at school, the lonliness. It makes you want to not talk to people, no longer find jokes funny, no longer make small chat to people around you. Coming across so rude will not help this situation, but it’s hard when you are in such misery. You just have to remind yourself everyday that you are there for the course , try to focus on that, otherwise if the isolation becomes all consuming, you will have missed out on a fantastic opportunity.

Cumberbitch 1#

I don’t ever want to be the girl that dislikes you, the one who lets you down, isn’t a good enough follower. Everyday, I think how amazing you are, all the time, it is constantly in my mind. I know that it is impossible for there to be a person as amazing as you out there. I think to myself, how could there ever be? It is unrealistic you are the most perfect person on this earth, without you, my whole life would be incomplete. How anyone could dislike you, they have mental problems. You are; grace, beauty, lust, intelligence, confidence, talent. All of these things make us love you, everything you do makes us want to love you and admire you more each day. When people say they don’t get the big deal about you, you just think, one day you will be converted, or you should change your way of thinking. Being a Cumberbitch is awesome.

Get a grip

How to get through this feeling of sadness and misery I am clouded under. I acted some way in the past that I really regret and I think about it all the time, all the pain and despair I caused that person. The loneliness and sense of uncertainty I put them through, is all because of me and my unfair ways. All I am of thinking is of myself, but why did I never think of you and how I made you feel. To have been this way truly makes me a bad person and that is what I am now, what happened to the good little girl I once was? She is forever lost.

Feeling sorry for myself

It so awkward between us now you won’t even make eye contact with me, it is so strange we used to be so close and now we are so distant we refuse to even acknowlegde each other. It hurts me that you all made the effort together but not one of you tried with me. Did you ever consider how I felt? The only one alone and new in this class whilst you were all together carrying on your relationships as well as new ones. Well know now that I have had to make new one’s and been left out so I will never want to reconcile with you guys again. I feel this happened to me twice.